May 1972 Archives

Crusader Class V goes to China

At the height of the Cold War, my father was developing a prototype for a new kind of cutlery with the Chinese. From his diaries of the time, we have found these notes.

While politically incorrect in today's progressive society, it nevertheless offers us all some insights into the political situation of the day.

This project, initiated by myself and a Mr. Chiang Kai-shek, was a world first for cutlery, and one which the People of Taiwan still celebrate today, every Meatfist Day.

We believed that the harmonization of the East / West eating methods could result in better shared meals, and a two pronged (if you'll forgive the pun) attack on one of the fundamental, root causes of beardoism: cultural disagreement. Taiwan, long plagued by the sociopathic rants of its ill-neighbors and failing political regeme were at odds with the Communists, engaged in a great to-do against Kai-shek's forces.

They were, and continue to be, thoroughly beardo.

What man believes he can tell another man what to do, say, or think? The Communist ethic is slavery, enslavement to a mythical "State" - which is, in essence, a locus of beardo - beardo in governmental form.

This is besides the point, however. The Advanced Cutlery Division, IV, had recently landed in Taipei, as part of the Fifth Ubiquity Expeditionary Force. The development of the forkstick proceeded at a rapid pace, fuelled by my own contributions as well as Ross Drago, Samuel Greene, and Ally McGill. These three were instrumental in resolving the advanced metallurgy that was required to build such a device.

The Kuomintang provided us with a small research space, as we theorized that the forkstick might be instrumental in fighting beardo, and therefore the Communist forces. We worked long hours, often 36, 48, 60 hours at a time with no rest, only a few minutes for tea and cucumber sandwiches (we had some standards to maintain, after all).